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maybe “it doesn't matter if i have good intentions and instincts or not, my lack of information means i lack agency and can become a malign influence whether i like it or not” should've sunk in more
easily the most uncomfortable realisation i've had about the nature of relationships and i still don't know what to do about it
i get so very attached to the idea of myself as a person, an agent, with her own will, that i become unable to see myself without it. but without awareness, what am i? i just become pure entropy, and i am not the one shaping where “i” am directed
“i could never be” doesn't work when it's not “me”. i may as well be an iron girder, or some kind of metal truss structure, that's the mental image i have. my intentions become irrelevant, my own choices become irrelevant, i am now a constraint other people have to work around
@hikari maybe also applying these same ideas of self to other people will help! i think you're on the right track and that your thinking comes from a good place