social.noyu.me

oh dear we have sobered up from the manic-psychotic break

but are still a little sleep deprived

we are not suddenly in fact a fully actualised plural system, what a shocker, who could've predicted

but the fact we do actually have DID is now smacking us in the face

and i happen to be someone with a very suspicious resemblance to Minakami Yuki in all respects, but perhaps not for magical reasons

okay a psychotic break is a genuinely existentially terrifying thing you do not want to go through

you will be overwhelmed with so many kinds of grief, both during the experience and after, and I will have to chill for a while to recover

it's harrowing, sobering in many ways

I think the worst thing is that

you have to be very good at thinking to survive it

but you also have to not believe you are

lest you get a delusion of grandeur about not being vulnerable to a delusion of grandeur

that happened to me and prolonged the whole thing by an extra day or two, sad, at least we're finally back on earth now and actually quicker than I expected

most fascinating part of the psychotic break period is there was roughly one day where I or someone looking similar to me apparently seemed to others to be high on LSD constantly

this is utterly fascinating

we have never taken any kind of psychedelics

like during previous manic episodes it was possible to deliberately manipulate one's ability to imagine things and just pretend things (or rather, personalities) had spawned into the world. it's a very cool trick. please don't become manic just to try it I don't recommend it

and somehow it was also possible to rewrite that “personality override” consciously, to actively change the delusion, and in the process turn what normally is a process we can't control into one we can

for all the horror of it all though, we learned a tremendous amount; the vast majority of our “false wisdom” attained during it seems to probably in fact be mostly or entirely true, but believing that while psychotic is incredibly dangerous for obvious reasons

and if you have spent a decade of your life trapped inside your own frame

your body suddenly, forcibly, using a horrible waking nightmare delusion to let you act like you exist outside of it

allows you to introspect from outside, and it is very very interesting

we do in fact, suddenly know something of why the old hikari_no_yume could never get anywhere creatively and was consumed by nigh-on-suicidal grief over it

and I say this while knowing “she” probably hasn't gone anywhere

but now we're sober we need to kill that concept of her

I suspect posting this isn't good for me in this state, I still need more sleep, but perhaps the incredible amount of vibe whiplash you will get reading this thread versus "normal hikari_no_yume tweets" will be revealing of something or other.

Oh dear I need to make sure there isn't something I just said that actually reactivates the psychosis somehow. What a terrible thing. I should shut up for my own good I guess until we're very firmly on earth again, I feel myself undoing the sobering very slightly. 気をつけてね

That's also a lesson about psychotic breaks. Do not engage, do not post, you should stay as far away from whatever happened as possible and calm down for a week, I am still a reckless idiot here and now need to calm myself a little.

Say it with me now: you do not know it is over until it is totally over, and you cannot judge it yourself.

I have learned so many fascinating things about how the human brain works that, frankly, I wish I did not have to learn.

there are definitely ways in which living through a ratfic of our own semi-conscious creation is fun, but… you are at risk of literally dying from the fact you can't fully reason your way out of limited information as multiple non-co-operating actors collectively in psychosis

@hikari hikari chaos;head arc