social.noyu.me

did you know that the japanese word for "a variety of" is 「色んな」? in rōmaji, "iron'na" would be a very pedantic way to render it.

the kanji there, 色, is also the word for colour

which fits so nicely with how the beauty of the world to us, the colour in it, is the variety

there are endless dimensions of this variety that can dazzle and amaze and delight the autist. they also horrify of course. one of the things in that variety is there is both good, evil, morally grey, and a million other things besides

and so we look upon the marble that is the entire world we all live in, this unbelievably endlessly intricate and beautiful thing of many colours, and many kinds of colours, and see: no matter what horror we may be confronted by, the world is somehow more beautiful for it

and this is the philosophical bent that nobody ever taught us, but which is increasingly obvious even in stuff we've written years ago, that allows us to… we hope… withstand almost anything the world can throw at us and not completely lose our footing, we pray

if we were to make a joke here, "this is NOT beautiful, hikaris only post like this when they are very depressed", it wouldn't be quite wrong, but maybe you sense that it actually is beautiful too, and it is, this beauty is how we keep on; perspectives are among the colours

we must sound like we stare down from heaven here but we really do not, we are currently… walking through the local park, enjoying the cool evening breeze and the gentle sunlight and so on, and… you know, actually very relaxed and down-to-earth all things considered

we used to worry we were able to find happiness just because we have gotten very lucky in life. and that's true, we have, though luck is just one perspective. but we have experienced things in the past week that mean we could lose all our natural buffs and no longer long to die

we quite enjoy being alive and will do whatever we can to retain this, lest we

contribute to maybe making the world a little less beautiful

call it hubris but it's necessary hubris, maybe we finally know what the necessary hubris is among the many dangerous ones

you have our word we'll do whatever it takes to remain alive from here on out

but we also suspect that

this serenity being achieved again

outside all of the delusions, anchored purely in our old beliefs

might finally let us sleep easy, we really hope so

we are going to get back to wandering the park and very deliberately Not Thinking. we're safe for now. thank you

little aside: none of this is new insights, it's perhaps the safest thing for us to post about because it requires more or less zero thinking whatsoever, we could have written this thread in our sleep a year ago and for all we know actually did

our insistence that "colourful", having "saturation" (as opposed to being grey/white/black), means something is pretty/diverse may be our longest-running schizo trait, so we are thankfully not burning our brain out by tweeting any of this; the japanese part we already knew too

you should be very very very worried if a psychosis-vulnerable individual suddenly claims to have a theory of everything to explain the world. you should also be worried if they claim they already knew it because they can't know it.

but… read one of our old blog posts, please

the metaphor was a slightly different one there, but https://hikari.noyu.me/blog/2024-11-07-dreams-of-a-pluralistic-world.html was already 9 months ago and is basically everything we just said in this thread, just without the final link to our beloved colour metaphor we apply to music

(it was also insufferably manic, we know)

litigating the fall, very bad habit, do not copy us we keep doing things that ought to kill us and then somehow don't

anyway, yeah

world pretty

park pretty

walk nice

we (as best one can be in these terrifyingly unsafe circumstances) safe

worry not

peace

we are no longer attached to anything we learned this stupid fucking nightmare of a fortnight except maybe being knocked down a tier of hubris, but if we forgot all this tomorrow in some medically-induced state we'd be forcibly reminded by reading our posts, so it's fine

whatever beauty we were looking for in our delusion, we already had, we need not fear the trust fall, at this point if we literally died we would barely care but would strongly prefer to live, and so we are shutting down the phone now

small update: we had a lovely meal and a very relaxing evening after this, and suddenly it feels like everything is adding up for us to be able to fully unwind and sleep, like we're at the end of the hero's journey

this is all incredibly schizo it must be said

but if it works…

the fact we're saying schizo suddenly is a good sign btw, we used that word all the time before this Incident to describe these phenomena, but never really during it, so this implies our brain has integrated the two headspaces suddenly!