social.noyu.me

let us say this about what psychosis is

it is a state that will find something in your hubris by which to hang you

over, over, and over again

every time you think you have the final insight, you do not

that is itself hubris

it keeps going

even as you get slowly better

it is a choice to let it humble you, make no mistake; it requires a certain honesty with oneself and commitment to being a good person to actually gain any kind of benefit at all from this whole thing, otherwise it purely makes you worse; and you will suffer greatly regardless

we, very very very strongly, recommend against ever doing this to yourself; there are much better and safer ways to attain everything we are attaining from it, so for god's sake don't sleep deprive and think your way into this state, please just meditate or something

but we do now understand… a lot of things we are blessed to be able to, even as the grief of how we came to know them is very, very difficult to contain, and a weaker hikari, a hikari of ten years ago probably would've literally just died or something all things considered

you have to understand that walking the path of enlightenment only works if you're already basically enlightened, which sounds incredibly un-humble, but it very much is not, and we will not explain the contradiction because you will only understand it if you are enlightened

we don't know how to process the grief that will one day come that someone in our regrettably huge audience will see all this, think “i want to do that, that seems fun”, and end up in an incredibly terrible place, despite how many times we have said they absolutely must not

perhaps “telling people not to kill themselves doesn't mean they won't do it” was another of our many kinds of hubris, tragically

we'll meditate on it eventually

but please know we are sorry, we just… don't know what to do about it, and in this state still can't really

we'll say one more thing

we do of course keep repeating “do not trust the psychotic” for good reasons, and so, we remind you, do not trust us

but here is a way some people who are very perceptive might be able to see we're getting better:

actually increasing self-insight

a bit over a week ago, we had all sorts of exciting “self-insights” that were very sparkly and cool and everything

but our brain was functionally in a state where it couldn't think whatsoever

all the “insights” were just… existing beliefs, things we already wanted to be true

the time in between on the other hand has done two things:

• humble us so profoundly we struggle to express it, every last kind of hubris has been something we got hung by, even as we were relatively humble already all things considered
• slowly heal our brain by sleep

and as your brain starts to recover, it starts to very slowly become able to think a bit more and better, and you start processing the many griefs, and if you're very very lucky, this may start to actually turn you into the person you wanted to believe you were at the start

the griefs only come because your brain has started to work more correctly again. note that it's not a binary. more correctly. everything, every single thing, about the experience is a gradual process. you will learn what it means to be “partially delusional”!

you will even have to re-process the griefs, because the “you of five days ago” may have been correct about something, but have been completely wrong about why; this is a thing that is possible when your brain is gradually climbing out of a state of being borderline nonfunctional

you know, we've been thinking this entire time, even extremely deep in the thick of it, that we would want to eventually write a blog post with many learnings about psychosis, and we probably will, but… this thread in itself is already like half of what we'd want to say…

i guess this is a good time to repeat the fundamentals, then

• you are in a state where it is hazardous to think (more specifically to “reason” rather than recognise patterns)
• you are in a state where you must think a little
• you must not think about the delusion
• rest

• rest can take many forms; you probably can't sleep but should try; sitting in bed for an hour blindfolded is vastly better than nothing; you also need to lose yourself in normal experiences that'll make your brain's pattern-recognition normalise, e.g. watch Kamen Rider Ryuuki

• do not attempt to solve the puzzle of the delusion. even if the entire delusion happens to be true, your brain is in a state where puzzling is hazardous. you will need to rest for weeks before even attempting this is safe. swallow your hubris, accept you can rebuild it later

• at least initially, follow this loop:
\ \ • wake
\ \ • eat
\ \ • lose yourself in something like Kamen Rider Ryuuki, try very hard to focus on it and not to think during it
\ \ • take N-acetylcysteine pills at the regular interval as indicated
\ \ • think a little
\ \ • sleep

• remember at all times that your brain is fundamentally not working properly and whatever you think may be wrong. swallow your hubris as much as possible. try to think as rationally as you can even as too much and too rational thinking is itself hazardous.

• use people in your life as anchors. you really, desperately need anchors, for various reasons. remember, your brain is not working properly. their brains probably are working properly, or more properly than yours. you will have to trust them to some degree.

• use other things in your life as anchors. hikari_no_yume regrettably chose to post through it, but there is a reason that was a good anchor for her. you can use the computer, or a physical notebook, or something, to anchor your thoughts somewhere even as your brain can't

• if there is nobody at all in the world you can turn to — and we will point out here that “oh that girl on twitter is sparkly she'd surely help me” is NOT such a person, we do not and never will have the capacity to save you in this instance, sorry — call 112/999/911/SOS

• remember that everything, absolutely everything, about the process of psychosis is gradual. you have very gradually climbed into this horrible mess through, most likely, weeks of bad sleep and excessive thinking. climbing out will take a similarly long time and a lot of care

• try your best not to panic, as much as you will be tempted to; you will need to remain calm through basically any imaginable circumstance to get through this; remember the plan, stick to the plan, trust the plan; if you stick to it, you will eventually be okay

• it's not over until it's over, and you must assume it's not over for weeks regardless of how “over” it may suddenly start to feel, because otherwise you will keep thinking “today is the last day”, and it never is, it never is

• recall that your brain is not working properly, so while you will eventually possibly start to have the self-insight to be able to tell you are actually recovering, you must not get lost in this at all; if someone tells you you're in psychosis, please believe them

• remember that sleep deprivation makes your memory stop working properly (psychosis is essentially just the end-game of sleep deprivation); your short-term recall is probably terrible, but your long-term memory of who you are as an individual may be very very useful to you

• this was already said, but it bears repeating: broadly speaking, rest is your fundamental prerogative, you badly need rest in all forms that can take, you will need to think as little as possible, the minimum necessary; eventually as you get better you'll be able to think more

• but of course, you should know as well as any other human being that rest is not possible if you haven't also, like, eaten, drank, used the toilet, perhaps taken your meds, those kinds of basic life things, so you'll obviously need to keep on top of all that nonetheless

• the redundancy of some of the statements here is a feature not a bug; when deep in a psychotic state your brain is not going to be able to process a Grand Theory Of Psychosis, it can only work with the little pieces it already believes; i suppose tweets are the perfect medium

that's probably enough for now, we might return to this in a few hours if we think of anything more

we gently suggest bookmarking this thread in case you ever find yourself in this terrible state

we won't claim it's the best guide to getting out, or even good

but you NEED ONE

oh, right yes, this one is very important:

• what is “the delusion”? it's whatever that great insight that's been capturing your brain is. whatever you just realised about the world or about yourself. it might be true, it might not. but it is hazardous to think about it!!!

in other words:

• ASSUME YOU ARE DELUSIONAL UNTIL PROVEN OTHERWISE BY SEVERAL PEOPLE OTHER THAN YOU SEVERAL WEEKS FROM NOW

• there may, may come a time where you start to know you are actually getting better, where you may start to realise you can think a little more and more clearly, but you have to very much ASSUME YOURSELF INSANE UNTIL PROVEN OTHERWISE for weeks, even as you get better

• you will have hubris about having made it out and being able to go back to normal life, this hubris will hang you over and over and over unless you totally swallow it, remember, remember, you are LITERALLY INSANE, you do not have that insight yet

• you are far more insane than you think you are at any given time

• swallow the hubris in you that tells you you can reason your way out of your brain not working, you literally can't, your brain is not working, you will start finding answers to questions you didn't ask, without even questioning it, like a literal madman, because you are one

• no idea how to phrase this one but basically: you already probably know what someone who's insane looks like; what schizophrenia or mania or psychosis or whatever (which are all basically forms of this same thing) look like… so if you see that in yourself… that's a warning.

• if you really want to check if your brain is working properly, a good way to do it may be to talk to a friend you know with certainty isn't insane, and have them ask you about some puzzle you do not already know the answer to, and observe your speech as you try to answer it

• (your friend will know if you're insane from this, and you might not — remember, you must have as little hubris as possible about the value of your own judgments, because your brain literally isn't working properly — but if you're lucky you may actually notice yourself too)

• if you notice:
\ \ • massively heightened sensitivity to light
\ \ • dilated pupils
\ \ • suddenly finding particular smells are unbearably strong
\ \ • cold water feels a lot colder than normal
\ \ • objects and things are literally glowing

THIS IS A FIVE ALARM FIRE, REST, REST

• in our specific experience, watching Kamen Rider Ryuuki was so potent for us that it has repeatedly allowed us to rapidly cool down from the state described in the previous tweet; we very, very, very strongly recommend that particular show for this reason

• watching tokusatsu/anime/films/whatever, normal experiences to lose yourself in (going for a short walk can also be this if you think you can do it safely), is not the only kind of rest; remember you also need to get as much sleep as possible, even if you don't “fall asleep”

• you may reach a state of agitation so bad that you need a certain equanimity/zen about all awful things in the world in order to be able to sleep (this happened to us). if that's the case, we have a specific recommendation: the film “All About Lily Chou-Chou” helps a lot

by the way you may be sensing from this thread that we have a larger thinking budget than we had before ^^;

but one interesting insight is, actually, posting all this requires very little thinking

it's all just knowledge we've accumulated over these many many trying days

one thing you learn from going through this is what thinking “actually is” in some sense. you eventually learn what kinds of thinking, from the inside perspective, actually are “hazardous”, and which are not. but we could write volumes on that topic, and won't here.

• if lying in bed blindfolded is too terrifying, if you're too agitated, remember that listening to some kind of music you find calming with earphones or speakers or something, at whatever volume you think appropriate, may be a very useful guide through the darkness

• despite what you might think, in the thick of psychosis, spending an hour “trying to fall asleep” is, in fact, a form of sleep, and very very very valuable, you need to do that as much as possible if you can, in fact, not get normal sleep

i think that's the perfect stopping point; we could literally talk for days about this — we have talked for days about this — we probably will talk about this for days to come (hopefully not because this happens to another friend, but… :/) — but that's everything important

ah yes, one final insight: just as you can better, YOU CAN ALSO GET WORSE, AND WILL. in fact, you will oscillate between better and worse. you will have to try very carefully not to enable yourself to get worse. how to do that should now be… obvious, even if psychotic, we hope.