social.noyu.me

being able to feel the cool air float past you on a pleasant summer's day, to see the trees and the sky and the path and the birds and the streetlights and all the other things around you, to be able to enjoy it, to be able to lose yourself in it, to “have a nice walk”…

…might be the most wonderful thing in the entire world

it's even nicer if you happen to be listening to Yamashita Tatsurou's “Ride on Time” (1980), but that's just a bonus, y'know

that you get to live on this earth and experience it, even if it would just be for just another decade, or year, or month, or day, or second, or 100 milliseconds, is a miracle, don't you ever forget it

did you know that, a few days ago, there was a moment where we almost totally lost the will to live? our brain's connection to our body felt like it was becoming so disturbed that we weren't sure we wanted to live through it, and we panicked, we can't believe we made it out

that we can experience the world with even 0.1% of the clarity we are used to from a month ago, fully embodied, feels like a miracle when compared to that; that apparently we're already back to 100% in that sense, feels even more miraculous; it puts so much in perspective

we could lose half our limbs, end up scarred all over our body, end up with every type of chronic pain in the book, lose an eye and an ear, maybe totally lose our hearing and smell, and we would probably still think at this point it was still worth being alive

and it's easy to say that having not gone through, well, that specific set of things, sure

but we hope it's more or less true

because we never want to take the ability to be alive in a remotely intact form for granted ever again

we aren't enlightened, we aren't magical, we are a "normal person" who has become at best "1% more enlightened"

but it sure gives you perspective

live happily, no matter what; live happily, because it is what life is for: live happily, because it is the only way to live

flowers :)

they smell sweet… goodness how long has it been since we last smelled a flower… it may have been years

wow

that's really nice ;_;

berries!!!!

apparently i wasn't wrong about our sense of smell having taken some kind of damage, because that flower required a Lot of sniffing to just eke out the tiniest bit of sweetness, and then minutes later, somewhere entirely different, the smell of dogshit made it hit all at once

and that's not all too surprising: all that Kamen Rider Ryuuki and All About Lily Chou-Chou and K-On! and so on probably did a lot to keep our brain's visual, audio, language, spatial, and to a lesser extent tactile processing intact, but anime has very little olfactory effect!

probably not none though! (we assume that watching a video of someone eating or drinking something, or preparing food, or of a meadow with many flowers, or something like this, would… probably do Something for the olfactory circuits in your brain, but not as much as actual smell)

OH HELL YES OUR BRAIN IS NO LONGER EXISTENTIALLY UNABLE TO TOLERATE THE FAINTEST HINT OF JALAPEÑOS YESSSSSSSS YESSS IT DOESN'T EVEN FEEL LIKE BEING PSYCHOTIC NOW OH MY GOD THIS RULES SO FUCKING MUCH

we are very happy :) it's so nice being able to eat comfort food normally again!!! <3

oh right we're like, not only eating food we ordered ourselves and got ourselves, but we're eating outdoors and at a totally normal pace, without having to exercise extreme caution, it's so fucking cool being a like 90% normal human being again

oh right heheheh, we got over this one days ago, but it's still really cool that we aren't terrified of specular reflections of bright sunlight and similar-looking things now!!

the wind in our hair right now makes us feel so fucking cool you have no idea

… Wait

is this the first time in two weeks we are consciously aware we have hair when not looking in a mirror?

holy fucking shit

being alive fuckin rocks dude

oh right we are eating ice cream and it is as delicious as usual but barely days ago this brain could not possibly have tolerated this kind of prolonged exposure to something this cold!!!! even ordinary temp. water was too much! every drop felt while showering was very weird!

god it is also cool having the kind of situational awareness again needed to have not just an id, but an ego and even a superego, and to be able to multitask, and care about concerns not just of mine, but of my friends, and even the wider world; oh, and to not get hit by cars

there was a really cool moment some days ago where we realised we had started noticing other people in our visual field again and being able to think about them and react normally

we also, apparently, have regained the ability to think about what language we are using when talking to people and what this does or doesn't mean (we speak Several Languages)

oh yeah it's also kind of cool to know that our belief in being vaguely smart, our pride as a psuedo-intellectual, is not totally shot; we can actually think and say lucid things, come up with non-delusional new insights; appreciate the world anew fom multiple perspectives

we might actually have meaningful memories of the few last days we stand a chance of correctly interpreting!

oh right, we can like, sleep now! sleep is a thing again! and we can sleep a normal human period of time! and without existential horrors consuming us when we try! and without remembering all the random bullshit terror our brain puts us through when trying to fall asleep!

we can stay awake a normal human length of time again, too!

oh, and we can look after the eczema on our hands again! and clean and swap the sheets on the bed! and our other clothes! and buy groceries! and remember the groceries we need to buy! and make food from scratch!

oh and we can enjoy watching tv series again! we can intellectually process what we are seeing! we can have thoughts about them more complicated than "that's a lawyer" or "he is touching the cup"! we can … enjoy the experience of a piece of media like a normal human being would!

we can relax about being relaxed again! we can be "a little ADHD about it" and not be in incredibly acute danger! we can renege on our own plans and not be in incredibly acute danger! we can maintain a continuity of existence without having to think about it and commit to paper!

we can sleep without having to explicitly plan what happens if we can't sleep!

we can post all day on twitter, reflexively, and not be forced to immediately drop everything and go back into prevent-psychosis mode!

we can trust that our thoughts might actually vaguely make sense and not require 5 levels of removing magical thinking and strange delusions and processing by a more sober mind over multiple sleep cycles before they're coherent enough to post, again!

we can, if you will…

live

and do so

happily

:)