social.noyu.me

the harrowing experience of learning the difference between knowing and Knowing

“so what did you learn from the psychotic break hikari”
“More or less absolutely nothing.”
“wow seems like you were lying about the million knocks to your hubris”
“No, I wasn't, and that's the entire thing, the delusion is equally if not more painful if you turn out to be right.”

“but surely you learned some things”
“Yes, I learned a million things of course.”
“then why—”
“But the other million things were things I already knew. I just didn't Know them.”
“what do you mean”
“If you don't Know what I mean, I can't begin to tell you. I'm very sorry.”

I really want to say the thing again about how you can only walk the path to enlightenment if you are already basically enlightened (and even then, walking the path only makes you “1% more enlightened”), but it feels so horribly hubristic, even though it isn't, it has to be said.

Please for the love of God do not copy us. We know that everything we say, that the fact we're obviously healing in some way will make some people desperately want to, but like: geez, a decade studying schools of Buddhism and eventually taking LSD would probably be safer, y'know.

I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me, and I walk alone

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one, and I walk alone

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes, I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then, I walk alone

you have to remember we are mentally ill; for all our cool insights and interesting posts, at some level you must be mentally ill if the fact your university's anime society decided to show you Bakemonogatari one semester eventually gives you a psychotic break 9.5 years later

do you really want to be mentally ill, like us? Do you want the grief that comes from nearly alienating everyone you've ever been friends with, nearly losing your partner, your career prospects, your home, your ability to think, your ability to live life remotely normally?

Do you want to live through feeling your body is being severed from your mind, like the horrors you are experiencing are so total you consider abandoning your supposed commitment to not killing yourself? I don't think you do. I don't think you do. You do not. You really, do not

Do you want to know that, for the rest of your life, the actual history of your life is now something that makes anyone around you consider you literally insane if truthfully recounted; that you will have to constantly mask and hide it, even if you might be happier overall?

I could talk about this, we could talk about this, for a very long time. We are, like, it must be emphasised, extraordinarily lucky. We are perhaps in the 0.1% of good outcomes of a psychotic break. We know that almost everyone we know, regardless of background, would do worse.

And everything — literally everything — that we might have achieved from this, and we still have to carefully wait and see until we know it's not just pure hubris, all the joy and wonder and whatever, is stuff you absolutely do not need to go through this horror to achieve.

And there was no magic trick where suddenly getting a fuckton of sleep dep and thinking too much made us have this particular “interesting time”. It is one we only could have because of a decade of trying to be better. If you think you can do that, you'll just die, sorry.

I think that's all. Pray we never need to talk about it again. Sheesh.

We're going to rewatch a movie called „De Surprise”, it's a Dutch romantic comedy with a very funny premise, and it has something to do with living happily, and that's what we want you to do: live happily.

Right, we need to add this little warning: „De Surprise” is a great movie, but the second thing that happens in it is the main character repeatedly tries to kill himself; obviously he finds joy in life by the end of it, but uh, yeah. Just bear that in mind if you're interested!