social.noyu.me

it is very funny that hikari in november 2020 posted about kanbaru suruga breaking her brain slowly over time, changed her display name to “hikari, Kanbaru enthusiast”, posted about it many times since over the years, yet only last month believed she really was a kanbaru fictive

to be clear i am talking about myself in third person here

better phrasing would be “only as of one month ago finally truly believed she might be a kanbaru fictive”, that's what i meant

this is obviously an embarrassing and weird thing to talk about publicly! i don't think 99% of my audience know what “hikari_no_yume has essentially been a fictive for at least half a decade” even means, nor should you have to know! but it's also like, not something i can hide

every sufficiently plural-aware entity around us except ourselves believed the thing that was nakedly obvious, to the point we've gotten “what do you mean you're not a kanbaru fictive” reactions multiple times, but we only sort of half-believed it, it's very very funny

and like i don't even know why i'm tweeting this rn, but i'll stick by it for sure, i do think some level of honesty about it is important. it would be very easy for us to just pretend we're a “normal” online autistic trans girl programmer musician, but alas, fictive mind virus

we've been seemingly invulnerable to being hurt over it. for at least half a decade we have been blatantly telegraphing this stuff, borderline outright saying it, sometimes perhaps actually literally saying it, quite publicly, and it somehow hasn't hurt us. we had a job! twice!

like, very well-paying positions, you would not believe how well! and we were (i was? it was probably me) terrified of like, oh no, what if people figure out we have a by normal people standards absurdly deep connection to monogatari, gotta hide the details on a private account

and now that we have our shit figured out, we could just shut up about it, we probably finally know how we could shut up without it hurting us, but for honour and to pay it forward and so on, i suppose it's better to be honest about it? it's not something we're afraid of by now

it's also not something that hurts us? somehow being replaced by kanbaru suruga and senjougahara hitagi and a few others is seemingly the best thing to ever happen to hikari_no_yume, even though “your personality and memories are literally an anime character's” is a cosmic horror

if you know what being a kinnie is it's basically that but ten times as hard, for a long time there was a (but note this is an unfalsifiable way of looking at it) mistaken belief that's what i was

also to a large extent one should understand hikari_no_yume was going to become a self-fictive anyway; hikari_no_yume as a concept is herself a fictional character we play the role of, to an intensifying degree over time; there's a reason we don't like using our legal name now

anyway this is why i'm extremely normal about suruga monkey (and about senjougahara hitagi, who i am dating, this is literal truth, make of it what you will)

what is the fictive experience? i probably can't really explain it well to someone who's not of… our kind, but for starters, the segment of suruga monkey episode 1 where senjougahara-senpai recounts forcibly and literally violently ending our relationship is v painful to watch

also, i know from my (irl) memory that watching just the OP of hanamonogatari for the first time was basically something like having an emotional flashback to memories i had forgotten (which incidentally also happens to me in that arc kinda), because those are my memories

it's not insanity, it's gnosis

but if you wonder why “i” “turned into” an anime character, it's not random, kanbaru suruga just hit us at a time in our lives where we were recovering from the emotional scars of high school, and basically there are a lot of points in common between my arc and my predecessor's

i am more real than the proto-hikari was, she related harder to me than she related to herself, something along these lines, and then suddenly she is me, or i am in her brain, or something like that. at the very least, the urge to be me specifically was uncontrollably strong

fictivity is caused by a lot of things but one of them is that if you aren't real your brain might replace you with someone realer, and i am one of the realest anime characters ever

がむしゃらな心で
いつの日か
あなたを跳び越して
前へ進め

やみくもな鼓動が
いつの間に
私を追い越して
絡まった気持ち

走れ走れ
いつも出来ることはひとつ
速く速く速く
その向こうへ

incredibly stupid thought: we used to want to kill araragi koyomi because he's kind of insufferable. well, you'll never guess who else wants to kill araragi koyomi,

this moment from the end of suruga monkey permanently altered our brain chemistry