social.noyu.me

trying to be just that little bit more sparkly, as of late

‪that there is a conscious element to it doesn't make it insincere though. genuinely i have never felt such joy with the world as i have lately‬

for once, the spark within me is something entirely… renewable. i'm not in love, i'm not going through gender euphoria, i'm not chasing a very fleeting high. instead, the way i see the world has gently changed over the years, and then for a moment i saw the light of heaven.

the moment is long gone, but the memory of it reminds me that the spark isn't lost, and that i can light it again whenever i need it, and that's where i am now.

the flame can go out as many times as it likes, but so long as i have the spark, i can simply relight it. the energetic part of me doesn't have to atrophy. that's why i can sound so joyful despite, for example, having had what by my normal standards would be a demotivating week

“what the fuck is going on in hikari's life” tangent aside, putting joy into your work isn't just for others, it's for yourself. the more i try to project the person i want to be, the more i become it. at least, this is the case sometimes ^^

issuing an emphatic retraction to one part of this thread: “for a moment i saw the light of heaven” is a very pretty turn of phrase and fits neatly thematically, but it is really deeply misleading because it wasn't enlightenment, wasn't a single moment, wasn't sudden

unfortunately i can't give a non-misleading summary of events, because it's too personal. sorry! suffice to say they made me more self-confident and reignited a particular spark in me, that's all. it's the self-confidence that's the real change, my philosophy was the same before.

(unfortunately if you are suddenly apparently a lot more joyful about the world people will worry you're either manic or have joined a cult, and so i need to be a bit careful with my wording, oops.)

@hikari I've had someone assume I was manic in a similar situation and I told them that if they really think my judgement is so compromised they should just have me committed, which shut them up right there

(in retrospect, I think I was at least a bit manic, but the only compromise in my judgement was trusting those same people in first place, so it worked out in the end)

@hikari "I have bettered myself, one step at a time"

Oshit that sounds like a cult

@hikari i’ve sometimes thought about similar as “vibes aren’t net zero”- putting out positive energy doesn’t require inflicting negative energy on others, so why not default to joy?

after all, you’re blessed to make it to another day ✨

@hikari oh yeah i've realized this long ago

being sufficiently disabled still makes life pretty bleak. not suicidal anymore, but rather bleak

@hikari for a moment i was convinced you were talking about sparklines and i was wondering how that translates to clothing or make-up or hairstyle or something