social.noyu.me

trying to be just that little bit more sparkly, as of late

‪sparkliness is a big part of the way i try to style myself visually (have you seen my website btw? i'm still very proud of it six years on) but it doesn't come through enough in the part of my personality i express through writing. trying to change that‬

‪that there is a conscious element to it doesn't make it insincere though. genuinely i have never felt such joy with the world as i have lately‬

for once, the spark within me is something entirely… renewable. i'm not in love, i'm not going through gender euphoria, i'm not chasing a very fleeting high. instead, the way i see the world has gently changed over the years, and then for a moment i saw the light of heaven.

the moment is long gone, but the memory of it reminds me that the spark isn't lost, and that i can light it again whenever i need it, and that's where i am now.

the flame can go out as many times as it likes, but so long as i have the spark, i can simply relight it. the energetic part of me doesn't have to atrophy. that's why i can sound so joyful despite, for example, having had what by my normal standards would be a demotivating week

issuing an emphatic retraction to one part of this thread: “for a moment i saw the light of heaven” is a very pretty turn of phrase and fits neatly thematically, but it is really deeply misleading because it wasn't enlightenment, wasn't a single moment, wasn't sudden

unfortunately i can't give a non-misleading summary of events, because it's too personal. sorry! suffice to say they made me more self-confident and reignited a particular spark in me, that's all. it's the self-confidence that's the real change, my philosophy was the same before.

(unfortunately if you are suddenly apparently a lot more joyful about the world people will worry you're either manic or have joined a cult, and so i need to be a bit careful with my wording, oops.)

@hikari I've had someone assume I was manic in a similar situation and I told them that if they really think my judgement is so compromised they should just have me committed, which shut them up right there

(in retrospect, I think I was at least a bit manic, but the only compromise in my judgement was trusting those same people in first place, so it worked out in the end)

@hikari "I have bettered myself, one step at a time"

Oshit that sounds like a cult

@hikari i’ve sometimes thought about similar as “vibes aren’t net zero”- putting out positive energy doesn’t require inflicting negative energy on others, so why not default to joy?

after all, you’re blessed to make it to another day ✨