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it's taken me far too many years to figure this out, a lost decade, but i start to think that ”adhd” might not be a useful lens for why i can't get things done. there's some underlying message my body has for me in why it doesn't want to do something, and i have to attune to it
(i actually have an adhd diagnosis and got this while being an adult, after a taxing diagnostic process, and i didn't lie to the psychiatrist to get it; so i probably have whatever the thing people mean by adhd is. but: at this point it doesn't seem very useful to me.)
i keep wondering if i should finally drop money on getting the stimulants i'm legally entitled to, and i think i should only do it if i find myself in a position where i need to be able to force myself to do things, because normally such blunt instruments should not be needed
there is a defeatist refusing-to-let-oneself-grow flavour of this line of thinking, but it's not the one i'm engaging in now. i am actually remarkably productive lately because i go with the flow
the one thing stimulants would probably really help with is writing, but i have a feeling i can fix that by simply writing more often and practicing the skill. i think me attempting it so infrequently is probably a large part of why it's a struggle